When I was 325 pounds I felt like all of my problems revolved around my weight. I thought I needed to lose weight because it was the only thing that could make me happier, help me do better in my career, improve my relationships, or make me a better mom. Now that I have lost 175 pounds I can honestly say that losing the weight was just one step towards improving my life.
Being so big, it was the most obvious thing about myself that I truly hated. I constantly felt burdened and ashamed of my weight, but also powerless to fix it for so long. Back then I had such an excruciatingly low self esteem and I blamed my weight for everything wrong with my life.
When the weight was gone though, it didn’t change the fact that I was still broke, still losing/ lost my house, still driving an old clunker car, still (sometimes) short-tempered, still fighting with my husband, and above all, still had a crushingly low self esteem.
Of course I’ve been loud and proud about my weight loss, but behind the Facebook posts and big-smile Instagram selfies, lurked a self doubt so strong that it was paralyzing. I felt like a fraud and truly thought that if anyone really knew what a sad, pathetic mess I was- they would lose all respect for me.
The self doubt and feelings of inadequacy started to lead me down a path I’d been down so many times before: self sabatoge and binge eating.
In 2012 I lost 131 pounds. I went from 320 pounds to 189 pounds. As happy as I was and as good as it felt, my demons kicked in quickly! I had not even been below 200 pounds for a full month before I started binge eating and sabatoging my hard work. By the end of 2013 I was 325 pounds. In one year I gained 136 pounds! A whole person. In one year.
That year, 2013, I also sold my business, gave up on a dream I had worked so hard on, and took a job I quickly grew to hate.
Very recently I found myself starting the same process, of self doubt, over eating, and feeling worthless. Just like I’ve felt in the past, I felt like I didn’t deserve to be happy and healthy.
This time, however, I was able to identify what I was doing to myself and accept that my journey to improving my life was not over, and in fact, had just begun.
In the past month I’ve been diving into self empowerment books, working with a life coach, making vision boards, writing in a dream book, and meditating daily. I’ve been accepting a new, spiritual side to myself and connecting to a higher power.
I will love myself enough to maintain this healthy weight and body, while also working on the other problems and issues in my life that did not go away just because I lost weight. For me that means practicing better time managent, being more patient, going to marriage counseling, sticking to a budget, and having clear and defined goals for my future.
The journey continues and I am thankful for every step. I’m enjoying the process and excited for where it will take me. My life is going into uncharted territory now. I’ve never really loved myself and believed in myself before and I’ve certainly never been a normal, healthy weight. Now I do believe in myself and I am at a healthy weight, so look out world- I’m ready to shine!